Everyone thinks having a blog would be cool until they realize that you have to have something to say AND here is the kicker… you have to be ok with everyone reading and judging it, and you.
It’s been a long year for everyone and we are all dealing with issues. We are not all in the same boat, however, we have all been hit with at least one of the same storms. I process things differently than most people. If I am honest I always have. Whether that comes from an extreme amount of empathy for others or just being very pensive in nature I can’t be sure.
To provide context for where my thoughts are and why they are where they are, we should recap my year. It was off to a bang already when New Year’s eve would be the last time I saw the one person in the world I knew I could trust. (No, they didn’t die, I am just all too slow to trust myself and let go when I know I should.) That’s mostly all you will get from me on that. I jumped head first into self discovery and picking up my pieces… but crap… I don’t remember who I am …. This mission to “fix Myself” was followed by one disaster after another. Misunderstandings with the people I love most, a period of time that I truly have blacked out for my sanity, the death of my family pet, followed by the death of my grandfather and a dementia diagnosis for my grandmother (my last remaining grandparent) and rapidly with the blowing up of the news of Covid 19 , followed by a stay at home order. ( I openly admit I was doing this anyway, however, I liked it better when it was self imposed)
RefillMYCup.com was designed to be a place where everyday people who are struggling with anything, can come to find insight from other everyday people. I truly hope to build it to that. This is it’s second domain name, fourth design and probably 50th blog post.. Maybe I will publish this one. When I started designing the idea in my head, it went along with the story in the about me section of the site. The one where I recap my thoughts on there being two types of people… glass half full… glass half empty. While I still believe there needs to be an entire generation of people who understand that the cup can be refilled if you are willing to do the work. Last night I was watching a movie, I believe the name is “Scoop“. There is a scene where Scarlett Johanson tells her counterpart “You always see the glass half empty!”, to which he replies… “No. I see it half full. I just see it full of poison!”.
I have been thinking about this for 24 hours now…..
This provides some interesting dynamics to my theory. A level of difficulty that only someone as neurotic as myself could have understood. Yes, the glass can be refilled. But if the glass is half full of poison and you refill it with your favorite thing… It will still be poison. I think that is the difference between fixing it and healing it. When this journey started, I wanted to fix myself (much like I have tried to fix others). Here is the thing, I am not broken, I am hurt. You can’t fix that, you heal it. And there are so many ways to go about that. But my realization last night was… If I don’t empty and clean out the cup I will never get rid of the poison. This is going to be a longer process than I thought…..
Limiting beliefs… they are the self imposed poison that line most of our cups. They vary from person to person. Some people don’t know what theirs are. They just accept them as God’s will that they can’t do something. Other than the ten commandments I have never seen a passage where God says you can’t as long as you take Him with you. Have you ever watched a parent chase a toddler with no fear as they hurry toward danger with no understanding that there is anything they can’t do? Have you ever sat with someone with Dementia as they tell you all of the things that they love to do? No fear, no self doubt. Actually both have a sense of self that only comes with not having the expectations of the world or other people in mind.
When they were evaluating my grandmother after we realized we couldn’t care for her, she told the nurse who she was and that she loves to cook and write children’s books. MY grandmother is an amazing cook. That said, when the story was repeated to me, it made me smile. I think that if you listen to her right now, with no one around to tell her she is wrong and no one who looks disappointed when she doesn’t remember and know who they are, there is a lot to learn about who she would have liked to be. Where she is she gets to paint her memory, a portrait of her best life. There is a part of me that’s thankful for that. She was married to my grandfather her entire adult life. (they got married at 18 and they were both in their eighties). I am thankful she gets to remember whatever she wants to and that I get to know more about what her hopes dreams and regrets are. And at the same time I am trying to figure out how to make sure that if I am ever in the situation she is in, that no one looks surprised when I list the things I love, because I did them now while I could. (in fairness it tugged on my heart in a huge way. I always wanted to write children’s books. I have her face, I didn’t know we shared aspirations.)
I am a “fixer” by nature…NO; I am a fixer because my limiting beliefs started with believing I was a mean person and did not deserve to have boundaries and take care of myself. In my mind taking care of everyone else first made me a better person. I am reading John Maxwell’s book “Sometimes You Win Sometimes You Learn” and he makes a statement in the book about distinguishing what the actual meaning of Humility is vs what we can make it in our minds. It shook me a great deal because for me they have gone hand in hand. He says ” Humility is not thinking less of ourselves, it is thinking of ourselves less”. As I thought I was mastering the second part of that, what I really did by not taking care of myself and setting boundaries was allow myself to become someone who did both as I trained others to not respect me, my time, and my efforts, their disregard for my value trained me to not value my time or efforts either. I guess our parents were right when they told us too much of a good thing will make you sick.
My little sister says there are people in life who you know are meant to play leading roles to everyone else’s backup. She says I used to know that I was the leading role in my life and that people would look when I walked into a room. I hated it so much and got hurt so often by my expectations of others, one day I just sat down. Every now and then I get up and think about trying to walk…. then I remember and sit back down. But lately the pain of not moving forward and the idea of being in the same place a year from now hurts more than the idea of falling down again. It is the first time in my life I am willing to just be myself and do what I need to do to take care of myself and the people who have taken care of me. I can’t tell if I am chasing the carrot of a better tomorrow or running away from the stick of feeling like I have been; either way forward motion.
In person I babble when nervous, ramble when you get me started and give amazing advice I do not take. If you meet me in a class environment or crowd I am courteous and generally quiet and uncomfortable which I likely project onto you. I talk in circles, take forever to get to the point and unfortunately for you if you are reading this I currently type the same way. Improvement takes practice and there is not better practice than just going for it and learning as you fail forward. Hopefully I will get better at this too. I will post links to the books I mention. There will be posts about products, because I am a product junkie and genuinely want to share. I do love affiliate marketing and multi level companies mostly because I believe when done right they are designed to empower the normal everyday person. Those links will be here too. Click on them, check it out, or don’t. It’s a sharing forum. If you have read a book you think everyone should read, send me an email and I will put it on my list and talk about it and add the link. If there is a product that has made your world better and helped you take hold of your life, send that to me too, I am all about it.
So here we go… I will upload a couple of photos and links and then hit publish, because the first step to overcoming your fears is acknowledging them… but knowledge without action means nothing and the publish button is a whole lot of facing them.
Do something nice for someone else today, and then do something nice for yourself.