You know, it’s funny, I couldn’t wait to start a blog and now you can not get me to log in and say something to save my life. That is probably the problem. Lately I am focused on MY life. The whole world has gone mad and there is this entire generation of people who only care about “Their” lives. We are all in a constant state of triage. We are angry, we are confused, we are ready to fight, but we don’t know what we are fighting for. We know how it has always been. We know how they say it should be. And right now, we know that no matter what we say someone will think we are wrong.
Newsflash, that was always true. One of my favorite quotes has always been “We do not see the world and people as they are. We see things as we are.”. Our everyday decisions and the way we treat the people who care about us has always revealed that. I will give you an example.
You have an arrangement with someone. You know that in the midst of all of the things that have been going on that you hurt them pretty badly. Now you are running around telling people.. “well, if they think” or “they are probably going to..” … Blah Blah Blah.
First, Shut Up. You are talking in hypotheticals likely not based on anything they actually said and totally based on what You know YOU would do if the roles were reversed. Stop punishing people for being like you. You want to see something different …? BE DIFFERENT. Assume good things because you would do them. And if you cant, step one is to Accept that YOU have a problem and need to fix yourself instead of threatening everyone else. You are not the victim. You are worried that your victims will rally. Second, if you can not stop the madness for the sake of the world. Stop it for yourself. You are wasting time, energy, and blood pressure worried about things that will probably never happen. Move forward
That all seems really harsh. There are so many better ways to phrase all of this. Over the last few weeks, I have learned that the biggest offender in the world is not someone who actually offends someone. The person out there actively doing and saying the “wrong thing”, at least they know what they believe in. The issue with the world is the rest of us. The “nice people” walking along avoiding conflict and upsetting anyone for fear of our opinion being viewed as wrong. Sitting by and watching in our personal relationships and all the other interactions of the world go on while never saying a word. How many times have you known a friend needed to walk away from something or someone but you didn’t say because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings? It’s easier to tell a stranger the truth. (Maybe thats why we end up in therapy.)
These are the things I have learned this week:
FITTING IN IS NOT BELONGING:
Belonging and fitting in are NOT the same. In fact the struggle to belong is usually why we don’t fit in. It is the biggest thing standing between you and fitting in. Fitting in is an act. It is where we assess the situation around us and then twist into whatever pretzel form we need to. We want to be like by the group or look enough like it to go unnoticed when it is surveyed so that we can stay. Belonging involves showing up just as you are and being accepted for it. Belonging starts with self acceptance. Your level of belonging can never be greater than your level of self acceptance and love. Self acceptance gives you the power to be authentic, vulnerable, and just who you are. This is the highest level of freedom.
GUILT IS NOT BAD FOR YOU:
Guilt is good. It holds us accountable to our behavior. Guilt is what lets us know that something we did was wrong, or that there is something we should have done and doing nothing was wrong. Guilt when used appropriately can motivate change. If you can harness guilt, process it, learn from the mistake it is pointing out to you and make the appropriate changes, it can be the best emotion we have. It is all about your mindset and what you do with it. (Side note: guilt and shame are not the same and should be processed differently. I will type more about this later or if you need resource references please reach out)
PERFECTIONISM IS NOT ABOUT STRIVING FOR EXCELLENCE:
Perfectionism is not about achievement and growth. Perfectionism is about avoiding judgement and shame. Be Present Not Perfect. Enjoy your life, grow, learn and choose people who want to do those things too. And truly want to do them instead of molding you into them. No one is perfect. Everyone is Cracked. “That’s how the light gets in!”
VULNERABILITY IS AN ACT OF COURAGE:
Vulnerability is probably the greatest way to measure a persons personal courage. The willingness to be open and seen while dealing with the human nature of being afraid of judgement is huge. I remember when I started journaling, I shared with the woman who was my best friend. I remember her saying “baby, write it down, get it all out, and then save or delete it. But don’t let everyone read that. ” I felt ashamed of what I had to say at that moment. I realize now that it had nothing to do with me. She worried about what people would say if they saw her and them from my point of view. Here is the thing. EVERYONE is the villain in someone’s story. EVERYONE needs help. EVERYONE has room to grow, and EVERY TIME you allow someone to convince you that what you have to say is not relevant, someone misses out.
IF YOU HAVE TO EARN IT, IT IS NOT LOVE:
I could write a book on this last part, but I won’t. Just know that this is the most true thing you will ever hear. When God says He loves you that means “There is nothing that you can do today that would cause you to have less of or earn more of His love for you”. It is unconditional. People will fail at this. They will love you when they need you and they will not be there when you need them. It is part of the triage I was talking about earlier. But if you can master the first four things I just mentioned, finding the right people will be easier because it starts with being the right person.
This wilderness you are trying to navigate. This twisty, turning, plot change of a life; someone is going through the same thing and maybe your blog post, your live, your note, your acknowledgement of the struggle of life, maybe it is the only thing they come across that gets them through it. You can be someone’s light house, road map, homing beacon. Choose hope. Choose to move forward. Choose to stay. Chose to speak up. Make a difference.