Latest Blog Posts
- But he loves me…..
I stumbled across this today on a friends Facebook page and it resonated with me. Not just for myself but for all of you. And it’s not just men.
Know your worth. And if you can’t seem to remember.. find the last place and person you truly felt loved you. They knew your worth and might remind you.
Some men can be so toxic to your health. They don’t want to love you properly, but they don’t want to let you go either. The more you give the less they appreciate, and the minute you’ve had enough and decide to walk away is when they are ready to love you and treat you right. So you give them a chance in the hopes they’ve changed only to realise it was all fake. You find the strength to walk away once more and here he comes again proclaiming his love for you and you give in, AGAIN. A man showing anger and persistence to get you back once you try to break it of isn’t proof of love; its a knee jerk reaction. A man kissing your ass or making flaccid attempts to be nicer for two weeks isn’t proof that he’s trying, its proof that he knows you well enough to know how to defuse you long enough to hook you once again. Take away a toy, a little boy cries. Take away a relationship of convenience, a man cries. Just because he cries doesn’t mean you give him what he wants. Stop listening to what your man keeps promising and start watching what his actions actually keep telling you. A lot of you women don’t know what its like to be loved by a real man. You know lust, you know joy, you know passion and you know the fear of abandonment. Stop chasing your idea of what love should be and recognise what love IS. Love isn’t promising to act right after he gets caught fucking up time and time again. Love is him acting right from the start because he doesn’t want to fuck up. Love isn’t telling your grown man he needs to change so he can keep you; love is a grown man changing on his own because he cant imagine life without you.
I still think it should say people and not men…. but it still rings true for so many people I know in pain.
- What are you waiting for?
Good People. Commonly defined by everyone differently and usually based on whether or not these people serve our best interest. When is the last time you asked yourself if you serve your best interest? Have you been spinning around in a circle trying so hard to make the people you love, love you, that you have totally forgotten to love yourself?
When is the last time you made a decision to protect yourself and do whats best for you? How often do you let “good people” who’s opinions are important make you feel guilty about the fact that you have rights too. And one of them is the happiness they were willing to forgo yours over for someone else or themselves. Why do we worry about people who do not care about us?
Because we were taught that it makes us “good people”….. “Nice Guys” and “Nice Girls”. But what it truly does is make us anxiety ridden basket cases desperate for love. There is an actual syndrome called “Nice Guy” Syndrome… and it applies to women too. People who don’t say no, take on too much and do things they don’t want to, just to avoid upfront confrontation and feelings of disappointment. Leaving them angry, bitter, unfulfilled and a ticking time bomb likely to damage someone who didn’t deserve it. Maybe you’ve been the damaged party… maybe you’ve damaged someone else. I have been both.
The last two days I have been completely unsettled. The whole world has been upside down this year adding stress of the unknown for so many people. This morning I made a list of the people who have checked on and cared about me. I suggest you do too. Today I am here to remind you that Manipulation is real. People pretend to care to get you to do what they want, and no matter how hard you try some people will never love you.
Totally dismal right? NO! It’s empowering and it will set you free. It does not make you less worthy. It does not mean you don’t deserve love. It does not mean something is wrong with you. It means something is wrong with them. Go to books a million, buy the book “Boundaries”, go to church ask God for guidance, talk to someone who knows more about the choices you have to make, get a spreadsheet and figure out what is best for you. Only people who were only worried about themselves will ever be angry with you for doing whats best for you, and they were not worried about whether or not you doing what was best for them would put you in a bind. If you have tried everything to settle something nicely and still get nothing in return, you need to stop feeling guilty. Common decency doesn’t cost anything, and stop telling yourself they don’t know. They do. When you have to decide whether you need to believe someone is “That stupid” or “That Selfish”… they are usually that selfish. Those words came directly from someone with a masters in psychology and they shook my soul.
Liberty. It has been a huge topic this year in the wake of so many controversies. Liberty and the pursuit of happiness were not intended to infringe on anyone else’s happiness. But stop letting selfish people tell you you are selfish. Stop letting what is best for them define what is right for you. They have not let what is best for you stop them. And do not allow yourself to be put in a potentially bad situation for their comfort. Life isn’t happening to you. It’s a series of consequences for decisions you made…. that probably were not in your best interest. And putting your self in turmoil that isn’t selflessness… that is Martyrdom….
Stop striving to be ‘Nice Guys” and “Nice Girls”. Strive to be “Kind Men” and “Kind Women”. Humility is a commonly misunderstood thing. Humility does not mean to think less of yourself. It means to think of yourself less. But God never intended for you to give up your well being either. Know your value. And value is not always about money. Would an opportunity have existed without your help? That has value. Would a project you did not pay for have been completed without your physical labor? That has value. Would dinner have been made if you hadn’t bought the groceries even if you didn’t cook? That has value. You do not have to be ugly or mean. Just be honest and brave.
What does not have value is the opinions of people who do not care about you. The best thing I ever heard from a very worthy adversary was that “Our family does not feel the weight of your opinion”. It stuck with me. I woke up today thinking about it. And today “I do not feel the weight of theirs”. In that one phrase I remembered that my job is to do what is best for the people who are mine and the people who consider me theirs. Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Who are you ?
Who are you? Do you know? Or do you sit as you read this question looking perplexed as Alice when Anslem asks her? If you do not get my reference…. Alice In Wonderland is an amazing book and was originally written as satire. The author is making fun of people, and I think maybe sometimes rightfully so.
In my case, he should be laughing that I am so terrified of dying that I apparently refuse to live. When is the last time that you went out on a limb and tried something new? Do you go to an office that you hate everyday or have you embraced an impossible career opportunity? Are you in a relationship you love or are you where you are because giving your all to something new is scary? Do you get up every day full of life or are you lagging and dragging out of bed.
I have been guilty of both. Today I made a facebook post that some people are going to find offensive. It’s not meant to be. It’s meant to be a personal reminder to myself that somewhere along the way I lost my “Muchness”. I have spent the year voluntarily quarantined. Covid has been an awesome excuse. But I didn’t really want to leave anyway.
I thought I lost something. I thought that I lost what I always wanted at the beginning of the year and it took months to know that I lost nothing other than myself. What I had was never mine. I was pouring into people that did not truly try or pour into me. I had a full cup and poured the whole thing out and no one helped refill it.
Today, I found my friends again. The people I abandoned for the people “I loved”. Guess what, the people who love me, they are still here and I lost nothing. My biggest fear in life is to not be able to say I really tried. My biggest fear in life is turn into a victim like so many of the people living day to day who “don’t have time”……
Today I was offered an opportunity for a second chance…. I had done it before and quit. I didn’t have time. I didn’t prioritize me. I didn’t prioritize wanting to help other people. I thought too much and too often about the people who thought it and I am silly for my love of it. That is wrong. And today I start again.
Limelife was my second chance at something I have always loved. $169 got me $400 in makeup and skincare. A tribe of amazing people. Self confidence. A second income. A discount on all the things I love and a reason to write them off on my taxes. And a purpose where I get to help other people feel as beautiful as I think they are. It’s not just make up. It’s a culture. It’s a lifestyle. And it’s ok if it’s not for you.
However, don’t tell me you don’t have time. Our Words matter.
Instead of saying you don’t have time, say “it’s not a priority to me”. It feels a lot different
It’s not a priority for me to grow myself.
It’s not a priority for me to get out of debt.
It’s not a priority for me to be organized.
It’s not a priority for me to be healthy.
It’s not a priority for me to be focused.
It’s not a priority for me to spend time with my family.
Growth hurts sometimes. And I am so grateful to the person who said this to me.
I am not saying you have to join me on my journey… all though you are welcome to. I am so excited to be able to help people find themselves again the way my friends have helped me to find myself. I am saying that you need to find something you love. Refill your cup. You may not be able to quit your job or change your relationship or even your situation right now. But you are never more than 5 years from all of your dreams if you have faith. Someone told me today “Faith moves mountains. Fear builds them”
What mountains do you need moved today?
How can I pray for you?
- You are Enough
Much like a chain letter, none of us know who wrote it first. What we know is it speaks to us all. I’ve added my words, others before me added theirs… take it… copy it… post it… share it for the next person who needs to know they are not alone and they are worthy!
I’ve H A T E D this woman…
Actually, I’ve not loved her at all most of her life.
I’ve fed her lies and told her she wasn’t good enough and have allowed others to tell her she isn’t good enough.
I’ve allowed her to be broken. I’ve allowed others to treat her disrespectfully. I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls and battle for others who won’t even stand for her.
I couldn’t stop others from abandoning her, but I’ve seen her stand up and be a light for the world and love others despite all that.
I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, body, heart and soul.
This woman has screwed up many times as a partner, as a leader, and as a friend because she didn’t think she was worthy of self love or the love of others.
She has a smart mouth, a stubborn streak, and she has secrets. She has scars because she has a history. She has so, so many scars…
Some people love this woman, some like her, and some don’t care for her at all… But she is beginning to love herself.
She has done good in her life, she has done not so good in her life.
Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy and achievement has made her into who she is today.
You can love her or not—but if she loves you she will do it with her whole heart.
She is dramatic and sometimes she is scatter-brained. She will not pretend to be who she is not. She will make no apologies for who she is. Never will she again.
This woman is a WARRIOR.
She’s not perfect, but she has a lot of WORTH.
Gracefully broken, but beautifully standing.
She is LOVE.
She is LIFE.
She is TRANSFORMATION.
She is GRACE.
She is BRAVE.
… and she will never stop learning or moving forward…
She is me ……. ❤️🥰
You Are Enough!Tweet
- Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun….. and we all want to have fun.
I am going to keep this short and sweet and to the point. I will likely add things as they become more and more clear. These are a few things I feel are important to know in life.
Letting go is ok.
Just because you let go doesn’t mean you don’t care.
People will believe what they need to, they are trying to survive too.
Breathe. Anything and anyone that is yours will always be yours.
Getting hurt is part of loving.
Loving is what life is all about.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not interconnected. You don’t have to do both.
Love them anyway. Grudges only hurt you.
The only person you can control is yourself.
Just because it’s over doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.
Sometimes we get what we want and it’s horrible.
Loving someone includes treating them respect after it’s over.
Secrets are secrets long after they are told.
If you have to hate someone you have unfinished business.
If you’re still in the same place after your location or the people around you have changed… you are the problem.
Losing balance for love is ok. Losing yourself defeats the purpose of someone loving you.
You don’t have to fight for, beg for, buy, or earn love
It’s better to be alone than surrounded by people you aren’t sure care.
- Why ME?
You know, it’s funny, I couldn’t wait to start a blog and now you can not get me to log in and say something to save my life. That is probably the problem. Lately I am focused on MY life. The whole world has gone mad and there is this entire generation of people who only care about “Their” lives. We are all in a constant state of triage. We are angry, we are confused, we are ready to fight, but we don’t know what we are fighting for. We know how it has always been. We know how they say it should be. And right now, we know that no matter what we say someone will think we are wrong.
Newsflash, that was always true. One of my favorite quotes has always been “We do not see the world and people as they are. We see things as we are.”. Our everyday decisions and the way we treat the people who care about us has always revealed that. I will give you an example.
You have an arrangement with someone. You know that in the midst of all of the things that have been going on that you hurt them pretty badly. Now you are running around telling people.. “well, if they think” or “they are probably going to..” … Blah Blah Blah.
First, Shut Up. You are talking in hypotheticals likely not based on anything they actually said and totally based on what You know YOU would do if the roles were reversed. Stop punishing people for being like you. You want to see something different …? BE DIFFERENT. Assume good things because you would do them. And if you cant, step one is to Accept that YOU have a problem and need to fix yourself instead of threatening everyone else. You are not the victim. You are worried that your victims will rally. Second, if you can not stop the madness for the sake of the world. Stop it for yourself. You are wasting time, energy, and blood pressure worried about things that will probably never happen. Move forward
That all seems really harsh. There are so many better ways to phrase all of this. Over the last few weeks, I have learned that the biggest offender in the world is not someone who actually offends someone. The person out there actively doing and saying the “wrong thing”, at least they know what they believe in. The issue with the world is the rest of us. The “nice people” walking along avoiding conflict and upsetting anyone for fear of our opinion being viewed as wrong. Sitting by and watching in our personal relationships and all the other interactions of the world go on while never saying a word. How many times have you known a friend needed to walk away from something or someone but you didn’t say because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings? It’s easier to tell a stranger the truth. (Maybe thats why we end up in therapy.)
These are the things I have learned this week:
FITTING IN IS NOT BELONGING:
Belonging and fitting in are NOT the same. In fact the struggle to belong is usually why we don’t fit in. It is the biggest thing standing between you and fitting in. Fitting in is an act. It is where we assess the situation around us and then twist into whatever pretzel form we need to. We want to be like by the group or look enough like it to go unnoticed when it is surveyed so that we can stay. Belonging involves showing up just as you are and being accepted for it. Belonging starts with self acceptance. Your level of belonging can never be greater than your level of self acceptance and love. Self acceptance gives you the power to be authentic, vulnerable, and just who you are. This is the highest level of freedom.
GUILT IS NOT BAD FOR YOU:
Guilt is good. It holds us accountable to our behavior. Guilt is what lets us know that something we did was wrong, or that there is something we should have done and doing nothing was wrong. Guilt when used appropriately can motivate change. If you can harness guilt, process it, learn from the mistake it is pointing out to you and make the appropriate changes, it can be the best emotion we have. It is all about your mindset and what you do with it. (Side note: guilt and shame are not the same and should be processed differently. I will type more about this later or if you need resource references please reach out)
PERFECTIONISM IS NOT ABOUT STRIVING FOR EXCELLENCE:
Perfectionism is not about achievement and growth. Perfectionism is about avoiding judgement and shame. Be Present Not Perfect. Enjoy your life, grow, learn and choose people who want to do those things too. And truly want to do them instead of molding you into them. No one is perfect. Everyone is Cracked. “That’s how the light gets in!”
VULNERABILITY IS AN ACT OF COURAGE:
Vulnerability is probably the greatest way to measure a persons personal courage. The willingness to be open and seen while dealing with the human nature of being afraid of judgement is huge. I remember when I started journaling, I shared with the woman who was my best friend. I remember her saying “baby, write it down, get it all out, and then save or delete it. But don’t let everyone read that. ” I felt ashamed of what I had to say at that moment. I realize now that it had nothing to do with me. She worried about what people would say if they saw her and them from my point of view. Here is the thing. EVERYONE is the villain in someone’s story. EVERYONE needs help. EVERYONE has room to grow, and EVERY TIME you allow someone to convince you that what you have to say is not relevant, someone misses out.
IF YOU HAVE TO EARN IT, IT IS NOT LOVE:
I could write a book on this last part, but I won’t. Just know that this is the most true thing you will ever hear. When God says He loves you that means “There is nothing that you can do today that would cause you to have less of or earn more of His love for you”. It is unconditional. People will fail at this. They will love you when they need you and they will not be there when you need them. It is part of the triage I was talking about earlier. But if you can master the first four things I just mentioned, finding the right people will be easier because it starts with being the right person.
This wilderness you are trying to navigate. This twisty, turning, plot change of a life; someone is going through the same thing and maybe your blog post, your live, your note, your acknowledgement of the struggle of life, maybe it is the only thing they come across that gets them through it. You can be someone’s light house, road map, homing beacon. Choose hope. Choose to move forward. Choose to stay. Chose to speak up. Make a difference.
- When God answers
I do a lot of soul searching and reading lately. I admit it has always been easier to find answers when they are for someone else. This week I have been focused on Hope. I have always thought that it is the strongest force in the universe. Tonight, or tomorrow I will type a lot about what I have learned this week. However, This struck me today and I wanted to share it with everyone. I believe this applies to everyone. Which Chapter are you on?
“Autobiography in Five Short Chapters” by Portia Nelson
“I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost… I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. I takes forever to find my way out.”
“I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. O pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.”
“I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in……. It’s a habit….. but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.”
“I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.”
“I walk down another street.”
- Strong People
The greatest thing, You’ll ever learn,
is just to love, and be loved, in return….
They say that strong people forgive. They say that strong people are not bothered. They say… a lot of things. Have you ever known someone who is always ready to jump to the aid of someone in need? Have you ever watched a person whos smile is infectious, laugh and impart happiness and good feelings on a room full of people? Have you ever know someone who just seems to always know what to say? You love these people, right?
Have you ever watched as they quietly retreat from the crowd to go back to their room or respective space? Have you ever asked if they are ok? No one worries about these happy people. No one knows that they took every single bit of joy they could muster and imparted it on everyone else leaving them exhausted and void of the ability to breathe. They retreat to cry or rest until they can pull it together again.
Have you ever watched someone in a care taker situation where they are desperately trying to help other people? A friend maybe. If you have, you have watched as they begin to lose themselves. They change, withdraw and start pulling away. In their attempt to save the world, they lose themselves. It’s kind of like drowning.
I read a post this week where a girl “thanks her ex”. We should all thank an ex. Every single relationship, love related or not, teaches us something. I have always loved the “You fall in love three times” advice everyone seems to give. I think maybe you do, but the last one is not explained very well in the rambling articles….I will get to my point.
I am going to skip all of the advice they give, it’ s pictured above. This is how those three times have played out in my life. The first time I fell in love with an amazing man and bad timing. He was patient, he was kind, he was never going to be mine forever, but Lord I tried. He taught me how to love. He loved me in a way that left me with the desire to love other people that well at all costs. (Maybe because I failed at loving him the way he loved me)
I fell in love the second time, with an amazing man and his amazing daughter and family. I loved them the way the first loved me. I found them in a space where they needed to feel loved and I didn’t worry about myself until I felt totally empty. Here I learned how I need to be loved and how the first felt when we ended. It’s exhausting to love someone so much that you lose yourself. It’s hard on both ends receiving and giving. On the receiving end it is so easy to get caught up in how good it feels to twirl around on a pedistool that you do not even notice that it’s been months since you were thankful or gave back. You get addicted to the high of feeling loved and forget to notice when they retreat and cry themselves to sleep because they don’t feel loved anymore.
On the giving end, your joy comes from watching them twirl. You think you can do this forever and you don’t need anything else. All you need is for them to know you love them. It’s not, you need to be loved too. We are all searching for someone who is going to put us first the way we do for them.
Eventually this becomes a cycle. You save them. You feel amazing. Then you become the victim as no one notices that you are out of energy. That you can’t get out of bed. That you cry yourself to sleep after they go to bed. And let’s be honest, all they notice is that the way you make them feel has changed. They get angry as you turn into someone else. They go back to the people they were, everyone changes and no one is ever healed. The cycle keeps spinning and spinning….
JUMP OFF the wheel. You jumped on. You are not a victim and you now have all of the information you need to know what you need and want. You now know how you need to be cared for, and you know you will survive if someone else doesn’t do it. You can do it. The third person you should fall in love with is yourself. It’s what you wanted for other people, it’s what you want for your kids and family and friends. Now, you do it too. Take yourself to do all of the things you waited for someone to go and do with you. Call your friends and watch as they enjoy having you back and laughing again.
I spent a long time worried about if people like me. This week for the first time ever in my entire life, as I walked into a situation that I would normally not have; I didn’t find myself wondering what the people around me thought. I found myself wondering what I thought or even if I thought about them. How many people do we spend forever feeling bad about ourselves over, because they don’t like us? Do you like them? Does this impact your life? Do you like yourself?
That last question. It’s all that matters. Do you like yourself? Not are you perfect? Not anything else. Are you doing the best you can? Are you learning? Are you growing? Do you like the person you are becoming? If the answer is yes, then you have everything you need in life other than God. Well done.
- Red Day!
- These are the days….
“I can’t wait till I grow up.” I am sure that I have said more ridiculous things, however, I believe that this is absolutely in the top 5 dumbest things I have ever muttered. I am fortunate in a lot of ways to be a part of the “Facebook” generation for a couple of reasons. First, I get to keep up with a lot of people I would have never known anything about again after highschool, and that does not take away from the joy I find in randomly hearing from them or running into them. Second, every now and then someone makes a post that says, “does anyone have the photos from?”. I always have the photos from, my mom was so good about that. And every time I pull out the photos I have the amazing opportunity to relive a lot of happy moments that in the great rush of life I have forgotten. This week, my childhood best friend asked for the photos from the time we sang back up for Reba McIntyre. If you did not know me then please check out the photo when she walked up to us backstage where it looks like I am praying. I do that when I am over the moon excited. How amazing that I got to meet and sing back up for my “Idol”. This particular year she came out with a song called “What If?”. I am so glad Rach asked about these and it gave me the opportunity to listen again because the song is so much not only for then, but so much a huge part of what is our today.
I went through all of these and laughed while I compared then and nows and realized that we are the age to have kids the age that these kids were. I marvel at that. I am going to keep the typing short and get the photos out. But while I share this with all of the way back when friends I want you to do something for me in this time we are in.
This feels like yesterday. I bet our parents thought they were going to have to deal with our stuff forever. And maybe you feel like this will last forever. Stop. Hug your kids. Go have a good afternoon with them. This will not last forever and you will miss it when it’s gone.
- God’s Will
As I have been navigating this season of my life, I have been doing a lot of reading. A huge blessing for me as it is getting back to the things that make me happy. I love to read. I love my daily devotional, a good self help book, a classic fiction novel, I even love school text books. On my list of books that have helped me so much is a book called “Defiant Joy” by Stasi Eldridge. Much like the majority of people, I have this fantastic way of asking God for to help and then taking all of the control back because I am impatient. This morning a letter to the author that was included in the book struck me pretty hard, it went as follows.
Wow. How many times have we learned to pray “Thy Will Be Done“… But this is how I would like to see it play out. How many people do we know, maybe even ourselves who have “made deals” with God and then spent their entire lives struggling to keep them? How many people have we caused harm intentionally or unintentionally in the name of God’s will because it would hurt us and our mission to just say; “This is what I wanted and I am calling it God’s will because if it wasn’t, He would have stopped me.”
Neither of those scenarios make us bad people. They simply make us human people. Flawed, self serving, struggling, trying to survive, people; Humans. People who cause intentional hurt to other people in the name of God’s will, genuinely believe that if God didn’t want it, He would stop it. They were in a bad situation and promised, “God if you do this… ” Insert whatever you want there “I will never drink again”, “I will make sure he never has to suffer”, “I will work harder”, “I will pray more”. The thing is God is not in the business of making deals. He sent his Son to suffer so that we would be forgiven and no where in the bible does it say He promises us joy and happiness all of the time this side of heaven. If you truly believe in God and His will, then you know that His will will never include your having to work for His grace. It will never include you having to sin to accomplish it. It will never include intentionally harming someone else in any way, and God considers all sin equal. Murder and lies all go on the same page. We Intentionally do whatever it takes to keep the deal that God never made with us. The act that was granted was God’s will before we tried to make a deal. It was designed to bring us closer to Him, to rely on Him, to pray, to believe.
The unintentional side affects are actually worse in the long run. Aside from the people that we hurt without caring how they were affected, let’s talk about the ways we hurt the person or people we were trying to protect while we were not trying to be like God, but trying to be God. The quote at the top of the page is one of my lifetime favorites. I always come back to it. In the book “Boundaries” they say that God has given everyone a napsack and this is what they were meant to carry and we are also sometimes given boulders and we are meant to help others with those boulders. But who decides which is which. How many people have we gotten in the way of God for? When we get rid of all of the obstacles and construct our will in God’s name, why do they need God? They didn’t need to stop and pray, or listen quietly and wait for answers. They didn’t stop and seek guidance because it was handled. We weren’t supposed to handle it, and now we are their version of God. The person they look to to solve life. And while God will always be there, we won’t. Eventually we will be gone and we hope and pray that these people know they can rely on Him in our absence and they find themselves and their relationship with Him. How many years with God and how many blessings did they miss out on when we were not absent?
Have you ever known how to comfort someone in a time of trouble and how to direct them to God because of struggling and trouble you went through? What an amazing feeling! One we do not give them the opportunity to have when we keep them from their struggles. It’s hard. We don’t want the people we love to struggle. We don’t want to struggle. But we would rather struggle than watch them struggle. If God broke His own heart watching His only Son struggle in a horrible world so that he could save us all. Who are we to stand in between God and his will in the name of only the people we care about not struggling?
I find myself convicted of this often. I imagine I will have more to say about this later. But for now, this has been weighing heavy on my heart today and I just needed to get in out. So until next time… I guess I will ponder the difference in helping and enabling and which one is God’s will. Today, one of the Ministers at church quoted this passage and I will leave it here for you to ponder in all of it’s glory as it was exactly what I needed to hear today.
God does give us more than we can handle. He does this because we were not meant to handle it alone, but with His help.
- Everybody is doing it…….
Everyone thinks having a blog would be cool until they realize that you have to have something to say AND here is the kicker… you have to be ok with everyone reading and judging it, and you.
It’s been a long year for everyone and we are all dealing with issues. We are not all in the same boat, however, we have all been hit with at least one of the same storms. I process things differently than most people. If I am honest I always have. Whether that comes from an extreme amount of empathy for others or just being very pensive in nature I can’t be sure.
To provide context for where my thoughts are and why they are where they are, we should recap my year. It was off to a bang already when New Year’s eve would be the last time I saw the one person in the world I knew I could trust. (No, they didn’t die, I am just all too slow to trust myself and let go when I know I should.) That’s mostly all you will get from me on that. I jumped head first into self discovery and picking up my pieces… but crap… I don’t remember who I am …. This mission to “fix Myself” was followed by one disaster after another. Misunderstandings with the people I love most, a period of time that I truly have blacked out for my sanity, the death of my family pet, followed by the death of my grandfather and a dementia diagnosis for my grandmother (my last remaining grandparent) and rapidly with the blowing up of the news of Covid 19 , followed by a stay at home order. ( I openly admit I was doing this anyway, however, I liked it better when it was self imposed)
RefillMYCup.com was designed to be a place where everyday people who are struggling with anything, can come to find insight from other everyday people. I truly hope to build it to that. This is it’s second domain name, fourth design and probably 50th blog post.. Maybe I will publish this one. When I started designing the idea in my head, it went along with the story in the about me section of the site. The one where I recap my thoughts on there being two types of people… glass half full… glass half empty. While I still believe there needs to be an entire generation of people who understand that the cup can be refilled if you are willing to do the work. Last night I was watching a movie, I believe the name is “Scoop“. There is a scene where Scarlett Johanson tells her counterpart “You always see the glass half empty!”, to which he replies… “No. I see it half full. I just see it full of poison!”.
I have been thinking about this for 24 hours now…..
This provides some interesting dynamics to my theory. A level of difficulty that only someone as neurotic as myself could have understood. Yes, the glass can be refilled. But if the glass is half full of poison and you refill it with your favorite thing… It will still be poison. I think that is the difference between fixing it and healing it. When this journey started, I wanted to fix myself (much like I have tried to fix others). Here is the thing, I am not broken, I am hurt. You can’t fix that, you heal it. And there are so many ways to go about that. But my realization last night was… If I don’t empty and clean out the cup I will never get rid of the poison. This is going to be a longer process than I thought…..
Limiting beliefs… they are the self imposed poison that line most of our cups. They vary from person to person. Some people don’t know what theirs are. They just accept them as God’s will that they can’t do something. Other than the ten commandments I have never seen a passage where God says you can’t as long as you take Him with you. Have you ever watched a parent chase a toddler with no fear as they hurry toward danger with no understanding that there is anything they can’t do? Have you ever sat with someone with Dementia as they tell you all of the things that they love to do? No fear, no self doubt. Actually both have a sense of self that only comes with not having the expectations of the world or other people in mind.
When they were evaluating my grandmother after we realized we couldn’t care for her, she told the nurse who she was and that she loves to cook and write children’s books. MY grandmother is an amazing cook. That said, when the story was repeated to me, it made me smile. I think that if you listen to her right now, with no one around to tell her she is wrong and no one who looks disappointed when she doesn’t remember and know who they are, there is a lot to learn about who she would have liked to be. Where she is she gets to paint her memory, a portrait of her best life. There is a part of me that’s thankful for that. She was married to my grandfather her entire adult life. (they got married at 18 and they were both in their eighties). I am thankful she gets to remember whatever she wants to and that I get to know more about what her hopes dreams and regrets are. And at the same time I am trying to figure out how to make sure that if I am ever in the situation she is in, that no one looks surprised when I list the things I love, because I did them now while I could. (in fairness it tugged on my heart in a huge way. I always wanted to write children’s books. I have her face, I didn’t know we shared aspirations.)
I am a “fixer” by nature…NO; I am a fixer because my limiting beliefs started with believing I was a mean person and did not deserve to have boundaries and take care of myself. In my mind taking care of everyone else first made me a better person. I am reading John Maxwell’s book “Sometimes You Win Sometimes You Learn” and he makes a statement in the book about distinguishing what the actual meaning of Humility is vs what we can make it in our minds. It shook me a great deal because for me they have gone hand in hand. He says ” Humility is not thinking less of ourselves, it is thinking of ourselves less”. As I thought I was mastering the second part of that, what I really did by not taking care of myself and setting boundaries was allow myself to become someone who did both as I trained others to not respect me, my time, and my efforts, their disregard for my value trained me to not value my time or efforts either. I guess our parents were right when they told us too much of a good thing will make you sick.
My little sister says there are people in life who you know are meant to play leading roles to everyone else’s backup. She says I used to know that I was the leading role in my life and that people would look when I walked into a room. I hated it so much and got hurt so often by my expectations of others, one day I just sat down. Every now and then I get up and think about trying to walk…. then I remember and sit back down. But lately the pain of not moving forward and the idea of being in the same place a year from now hurts more than the idea of falling down again. It is the first time in my life I am willing to just be myself and do what I need to do to take care of myself and the people who have taken care of me. I can’t tell if I am chasing the carrot of a better tomorrow or running away from the stick of feeling like I have been; either way forward motion.
In person I babble when nervous, ramble when you get me started and give amazing advice I do not take. If you meet me in a class environment or crowd I am courteous and generally quiet and uncomfortable which I likely project onto you. I talk in circles, take forever to get to the point and unfortunately for you if you are reading this I currently type the same way. Improvement takes practice and there is not better practice than just going for it and learning as you fail forward. Hopefully I will get better at this too. I will post links to the books I mention. There will be posts about products, because I am a product junkie and genuinely want to share. I do love affiliate marketing and multi level companies mostly because I believe when done right they are designed to empower the normal everyday person. Those links will be here too. Click on them, check it out, or don’t. It’s a sharing forum. If you have read a book you think everyone should read, send me an email and I will put it on my list and talk about it and add the link. If there is a product that has made your world better and helped you take hold of your life, send that to me too, I am all about it.
So here we go… I will upload a couple of photos and links and then hit publish, because the first step to overcoming your fears is acknowledging them… but knowledge without action means nothing and the publish button is a whole lot of facing them.
Do something nice for someone else today, and then do something nice for yourself.